Thursday, November 22, 2012

Divorce Advice - Begin the Divorce Process With Eyes and Ears Wide Open

Once it becomes inevitable that your marriage will be ending in divorce, most people just want to get through the process and be done with it. In the area where I live I am amazed at how quickly the divorce process can be completed, compared to when I went through my divorce.

If you are in the process of a divorce, this is likely a difficult time for you emotionally and possibly physically. Divorce is typically a stressful, painful and challenging time. You may be feeling angry, devastated, rejected, hopeless, sad, hurt, vulnerable, pressured and/or depressed.

It is generally safe to assume that you are not currently "at your best." To make matters worse, you are now faced with making very important decisions. The anticipated changes and comprehending all the details involved with divorce can be overwhelming. You could probably use some help about now. Let's start with some tips.

Tips to Consider as You Enter the Divorce Process

Be cautious moving forward. You can not always trust your STBX (soon-to-be-x) to be looking out for your best interest - just because he/she says they will. Take off any blinders and keep your eyes and ears wide open.

Do not be afraid to ask for help from family or friends. Especially in the area of expertise; financial, attorney recommendations, counselors, career, children.

Be willing to accept help from those who offer. Allow people to do things for you to help make your life easier or lighten the load during this difficult time. For example watching your children, doing some household chore, taking over an obligation you may have made to volunteer or serve.

Be willing to listen to sound advice from knowledgeable individuals. Now is the time to network with people you know and draw upon their expertise and/or connections. Understand your STBX may not approve of others opinions or recommendations. This does not mean you should not listen or consider the advice being given.

Human nature (or pride) does not easily accept help. You may like to think you can handle whatever comes your way. You may be embarrassed or ashamed that your marriage failed and decide to avoid other people and their desire to help. Their help, advice or expertise may be just what you need.  

A Recipe for Potential Disaster

What can happen in the divorce process, you have people who are broken and hurting having to make major decisions about their futures and finances in a relatively short period of time. If you are coming from a marriage where one person manipulated and controlled another, or the relationship was abusive or dysfunctional, the person(s) is most likely not very healthy emotionally. Yet, they are expected to make major decisions and try to reach agreements with the very person who no longer wants to be married to them, or to whom they no longer want to be married.

In a situation where the process moves quickly, a couple is forced to make important decisions fast. When you consider the communication between a couple is strained and even less effective than when they were married, you may have a recipe for potential disaster.

Creatures of Habit

Out of habit, a couple is likely to resort to the way they communicated when they were married. For example, if the husband was manipulative or controlling in the relationship and the wife was passive and compliant, the husband may expect the wife to agree to his proposals in the divorce settlement. The wife out of habit may comply and agree to whatever is proposed.

If this scenario sounds familiar, if you are the submissive compliant partner from your marriage, be sure to get help with your divorce process. Hire an attorney who will stick up for you, represent you fairly, and look out for your best interest. You can not always trust your former spouse to look out for your best interest. If your STBX was controlling and manipulative when you were married, guess what, he/she is hoping to control and manipulate the divorce settlement as well.

Do It Yourself Divorce

Divorces can be extremely expensive today. More couples are tempted to try and avoid the expense of attorney's and reach an agreement on their own. Although it sounds like a great idea, it does not always work out as amicably as you may anticipate. I know several people who have attempted this route, unsuccessfully.

If you choose to avoid using an attorney for the process, I encourage you to elicit the help of a close friend or relative with financial wisdom to help ensure you get a fair deal. If possible, hire a financial person to review the division of assets to make sure it is an equitable agreement for both parties. In some cases, you can hire a mediator with a financial background.

Be Prepared to Stand Up For Yourself or Get Representation

My advice to you, it is cheaper to get the divorce agreement done right the first time around, than to incur the expense to change the agreement once it has been settled. Don't agree to something that you do not believe is fair. Take the opportunity to discuss it with a person looking out for your best interest.

In the past you may have agreed to whatever your spouse said or wanted in your marriage, but that does not mean you have to agree to whatever he/she proposes in a divorce agreement/settlement. You may be inclined to agree automatically out of habit and to avoid conflict. I would encourage you to stand up for yourself and children (if you have them).

Your STBX may insist that his/her proposal is a fair deal. Be prepared that he/she may try to coerce you, push your buttons, threaten to change something not in your favor, smooth talk, and/or manipulate you as he/she has done in the past.

My advice to you, don't buy it. If it truly is a fair deal then he/she should not have a problem with you getting help or advice from a third party. You need to be responsible and look out for yourself, any children and your future. If you do not feel strong enough to represent yourself, then get someone who can and will represent your best interest.

Disclaimers: *This advice should not be taken as automatically do not agree to your spouse's proposal for a settlement. If in fact your spouse does propose an acceptable settlement to which you agree, then good for you. What a blessing.

**This article and advice is not intended or directed to those who have a great relationship with their soon to be former spouse. If you are able to have an amicable divorce process and settlement, you are in the minority. I commend you.          

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

I am a Christian Life Coach specializing in Broken Marriages. I work with men and women across the country who are on their path to recovery from divorce, to empower them to create a future they truly desire. When we are accountable to someone we are more likely to succeed. When what we do is recognized, cheered and affirmed, we perform at a higher level. People getting divorced rarely have someone to hold them accountable and support them during this time of transition from married to single. As a coach who has walked the path of divorce, and been a child of divorce, it is my passion and desire to come alongside others on this journey to help them make this transition and create a future filled with hope.
Please visit me at: http://www.ahopefilledfuture.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shelley_Grieser
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Submitted On July 20, 2009. Viewed 201 times. Word count: 1,147.
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